My Secret Submission Read online

  TO: [email protected]

  12:59 PM

  Subject: Re: Late night...

  Too many people associate being submissive with being a 24/7 intellectual doormat. It is annoying but not surprising.

  Switch huh...? LOL

  Chapter Three

  BLUE BLOOD

  A FEW DAYS LATER, after more flirtatious emails and friendly chatter I asked what I’d been curious about from the beginning.

  TO: [email protected]

  12:51 PM

  Subject: KinkyFodder

  So...what made you message me, besides the close proximity? There’s no wrong answer. I’ve been messaged by several people and you’re the only one to spike my interest.

  TO: [email protected]

  2:37 PM

  Subject: Re: KinkyFodder

  Proximity definitely helped. I was looking in the general area and so many of the profiles from women were screaming for attention or confirmation. I saw the pic of only your eyes and the basic profile that you were married and I thought – I want to get to know what is behind those blue eyes.

  I also assumed you were discreet and trying to understand what you wanted and needed.

  TO: [email protected]

  3:06 PM

  Subject: Re: KinkyFodder

  I don’t really understand the selfie whore complex.

  The late nights caught up to me. Just woke from an hour nap.

  The eyes. Yes. One thing I’ll always admit to loving on myself.

  The last few years have been rough at home. I’m changing and evolving and he doesn’t understand it. I need more, have asked for it and he can’t/won’t give it. I thought we’d grow/evolve together and he’s adamant that he will not change.

  TO: [email protected]

  8:27 PM

  Subject: Re: Late night...

  I agree on changing and evolving. For me we were evolving together and then the ring had some mystical power that stopped evolution in favor of procreation. It comes and goes. She is much more aware now but still doesn’t know how to make it work for us both. I have always disassociated sex and love. They certainly can go hand in hand, but for those of us that are wired the way we are – it isn’t love – it’s carnal. But the professional psychiatrists and psychologists will tell us otherwise...

  I think we’ll continue to grow as a couple – just not sure it will ever be as fast as I need it to be to feel balanced in the relationship.

  So I have found other outlets until if/when that happens... :)

  It should’ve been a red flag, but I was guilty of the same thing. I was looking for an outlet my husband couldn’t provide. Truth was I’d contemplated divorce, contemplated staying for the kids, and neither choice seemed like the right one.

  TO: [email protected]

  8:45 PM

  Subject: Re: Late night...

  Yes. I feel like I wasn’t quite sure what I needed until a few years ago. There have been months without intimacy.

  I’ve brought up open relationship and he flipped. My own parents stayed together, unhappily, not getting what they needed from the other.

  You’re the first person I’ve talked so candidly with about all of this. Girlfriends don’t get it. Dare I say they’re too vanilla...

  TO: [email protected]

  10:23 PM

  Subject: Re: Late night...

  We live under this false notion that a mate should be everything to the other and it just isn’t feasible and rarely attainable. Most of that is propagated by organized religion. However, I also don’t believe we should just be fucking everyone. I think people can have deep bonds with multiple partners and still be in love with someone. The problem is those people seem to never meet until later in life after much searching and internal strife by trying to conform to the norms of society.

  Sigh. It was a lot to process. In my head I completely agreed with almost everything he said. It made sense to me. I’d always believed you could care for more than one person. The problem was most people didn’t believe that themselves and would never get past the ‘one person for life’ thing.

  A little bit later, after a couple more emails, he finally asked what I was wondering if he’d ever ask, after I had finally inquired to his name.

  TO: [email protected]

  11:07 PM

  Subject: Re: So...

  Gregor. Sorry, I thought I put that in an earlier email.

  How do you envision an ideal first meeting with someone?

  Gregor. It was different and something I wouldn’t forget. Not Greg or Gregory, Gregor. Then I scanned his question. First meeting. Was he referring to lunch, drinks, a picnic? I didn’t want to presume anything. The butterflies started just like they did all those years ago when the time came to meet someone face to face after days or weeks of online chatting.

  TO: [email protected]

  11:18 PM

  Subject: Re: So...

  Gregor...well, there’s no bad name association there. Had you said Mike or Shawn I may have slammed my head on my desk! Lol

  Well, I’m no novice to meeting people from online...granted it’s been over a decade and it’s how I met my husband. Restaurant, store...though I did meet someone once at a hotel. Yes, I was young and crazy once. I need to know I can talk with someone, make eye contact, and vice versa. I did meet a couple men that gave me the heebie jeebies. Warning, I can come off as incredibly shy and have been accused of having RBF. I just like to observe people before I open up.

  Not sure if that’s what you were looking for.

  What about you?

  The next morning I practically had tears rolling down my face upon reading his response.

  TO: [email protected]

  7:00 AM

  Subject: Re: So...

  I prefer to meet in a dimly lit, shady motel that rents by the quarter hour where there is plenty of random and non-connecting DNA evidence to confuse the eventual/potential crime scene. No sense in making extra work for myself scrubbing and cleaning.

  I wasn’t clear on the question. I guess I was taking safety precautions and the getting to know you phase where one is able to confirm the other is not bat-shit crazy as a given and THEN what an encounter will entail. I would want to meet for drinks or lunch and develop some real life rapport. Anyone can be a word maestro behind a keyboard, but I want to know the wit and chemistry translates into real life.

  If only a couple guys gave you the heebie jeebies you were batting well above average... :)

  This response was going to be fun. Again, no need to hold back.

  TO: [email protected]

  7:18 AM

  Subject: Re: So...

  Lmao. Yes, totally agree. I'd like to decide if I want your particular body as a skin suit or if I should move on to the next guy.

  Lunch or drinks sounds great.

  The encounter itself, I mean, where do I begin? I want to be able to get lost in what happens. I haven't been with another person since I got married. You're more practiced and I'd want to know what you need and expect for it to work too. Some days I'm a wham bam girl and others not so much. I'm probably a typical girl in the fact that I need that touch, petting, spanking, kissing to get going...I just totally lost my train of thought. Oh, but I know it's a mental game too. Just the thought of someone not getting winded five minutes into pounding me is a win. :-) Couldn't resist.

  The guy I dated right before my hubby was that guy, the one I had and practically did have sex with everywhere. We were animals. I got off with penetration every time. He turned out to have a criminal record beyond other things I couldn’t deal with.

  I continued about my day. Got the kids to school, went to the gym, came home and showered, did some editing, and handled some PTA business. My laptop pinged and when I opened my email, his response was awaiting me.

  TO: [email protected]

  2:11 PM

  Subject: Re: So
...

  I can last longer than 5 min and have no criminal record nor have I ever been arrested.

  It definitely starts with the mental aspect and goes into the physical.

  Lunch might work easier just because my evenings are pretty tight when I am not traveling. I set my own schedule so getting away in the middle of the day is not an issue when I am home. What general area do you live in / have a place in mind to meet?

  I won’t be online much this weekend. Will be with family and limited access to cell.

  I took a big breath and started typing my response. He lived an hour away, or so he said. I didn’t even know if he’d know where my po-dunk town was.

  TO: [email protected]

  2:37 PM

  Subject: Re: So...

  Well that’s good. Same here, never even had a speeding ticket and the only drug I ever used was an occasional cigarette back in college.

  Tuesday and Thursday this coming week are good. I live in Middlebury off interstate 54. I’m willing to meet somewhere in the middle. I’m jittery just thinking about it. (Remember, I’m shy…lol)

  I appreciate the heads up about the weekend and understand. Mine will be working all weekend so I’ll be pulling my hair out with the kids and self-medicating with sex scenes to edit/write and deadlines to meet! Ok, there may be some chocolate involved and wine once they’re in bed!

  I attached a picture from the other day. I’ll probably be blushing though in person…I’m easily embarrassed, but I can dish it back out too!

  I attached a picture of myself from a few days earlier. That night I went to bed still not getting a response. He said he’d be out of touch so I didn’t expect to hear from him until Sunday or Monday. Around three in the morning I was jolted awake by nothing and grabbed my phone. It was on silent, but I had an email from him waiting for me. Smiling, I opened it as Todd lay snoring next to me.

  TO: [email protected]

  1:37 AM

  Subject: HOLY SHIT

  Just got to hotel about 30 min ago. Got kids back down and now catching up on emails.

  Read your email and HOLY FUCKING SHIT...!?! Did your profile on KinkyFodder always read Tipton?!? Was that because Middlebury was too small or to give some wiggle room? Our worlds may have already collided or could certainly collide in the future. George Castanza moment going on. I also live in Middlebury and give almost the exact same directions/references to interstate 54! So - meeting for lunch shouldn’t be a chore...lol. I put Anapolis as it was the major city/locale and didn’t think Middlebury was even relative to a search.

  I am sure the odds are much lower than they seem right now, but I have never looked anywhere in my backyard.

  So - do we still meet or do we leave it as this as to not upset the applecart? Or do we meet and leave it as intellectually connected friends who give the silent smirk if/when we cross paths at a restaurant, school, etc...?

  I am still struck by the odds.

  I am thinking about you all jittery. I am thinking more about devilishly sending you inappropriate texts while you are two rows away at a future PTA meeting or you making subtle comments while our kids are on the soccer field together.

  That could be some interesting fodder for your authors and you if the chocolates and wine aren’t getting you through the editing.

  My chest constricted and I couldn’t breathe. I climbed out of bed, clasping my phone to my upper body, where below, my heart was hammering away. It was so loud I thought for sure its thrumming would wake Todd who laid sound asleep next to me.

  Closing the bathroom door, I sat on the edge of the tub and made myself take deep, calming breaths. Scanning the email again, I just couldn’t believe it. It couldn’t be true, could it? We lived in the same town? We lived in the same town! ‘Holy fucking shit’ was an understatement. And I’d sent him my picture. FUCK! Then my eyes stared at the words of his question. ‘Do we still meet or do we leave it as this...?’

  NO. YES. Wait, what was the question?

  It was my first instinct and my gut reaction. There was no way I was walking away now. Besides, we had yet to meet in person and there was a part of me that was convinced he wouldn’t be attracted to me and vice versa. I didn’t really think about the opposite happening.

  I knew I wanted and desired his mind and he had said the same in regards to me. He too had sent a discreet picture, nothing sordid, and nothing that included his face—he was extremely cautious and that was fine with me—but pictures could lie. It wouldn’t be the first time someone sent a picture or gave stats that were misleading.

  I was completely flustered when I sent my response.

  TO: [email protected]

  3:17 AM

  Subject: Re: HOLY SHIT

  OMG. My heart is pounding and I'm pretty sure in a good way. I keep looking at this as worst case the chemistry isn't there and I gain a friend. I think it's always said Tipton and I did that for the reasons you stated.

  I've always been the wallflower type. I also feel like I can't walk away now and don't want to. It could make some things easier and others more difficult being so close.

  So, we're a Middlebury Peak family. Maybe you're one of the dads who's smiled knowingly or like ‘dat bitch cray cray’. Lol

  Ugh. I'm not going to be able to sleep. My heart is still racing.

  I don't want to walk away...

  Sitting there, I pondered so many things. He’d been so completely discreet, yet informative about his life that I felt even more secure in his confession that we lived in the same town. Had he been dishonest—I believed—about anything he’d told me he would've disappeared or stopped talking to me. Or just not admitted to it.

  I told him that the geographical closeness could be wonderful and cause potential problems. I couldn’t even process all the possibilities running rampant in my head. Oh. My. God. What if our kids were in the same school together? What if we’d already met and didn’t know it? My rapid breathing and sprinting heart started again.

  Dropping my head between my legs, I forced myself to relax. Shit! I was the PTA President. Fuck! What if he was on the PTA too, or a member, or his wife was? I started laughing and wasn’t sure if it was from fear or excitement. I mentally started trying to figure out if I knew any Gregs or Gregors. Nobody came to mind. I glanced at my phone and saw it was close to four a.m. I had to try to get some more sleep, though I knew it was nearly impossible.

  He said he’d be out of touch most of the weekend and I had things to tend to and the fundraiser to focus on. There was no point in obsessing about it all now. What was going to happen would happen, if it was supposed to. I wasn’t someone who believed everything was predestined, but I did believe things happened for a reason. It was just up to us what path we took when certain choices presented themselves.

  He wasn’t the only one ‘struck by the odds’.

  I tossed and turned for a while before getting back to sleep for a short time. When I woke I headed to my office. I scrolled my playlist, knowing what song I was searching for. Her melody sang about someone making her feel again, someone who’d been near her the whole time. Finding it, I played it, the song, Blue Blood by Laurel that now had a whole new meaning.

  I re-read his email and my initial response. There were a few things I felt I hadn’t answered fully and decided to respond again, knowing full well I wouldn’t hear back from him for a day or two, most likely. Of course, he’d said that before he sent his reply after one in the morning.

  TO: [email protected]

  9:41 AM

  Subject: Re: HOLY SHIT

  So, I’m replying again when not half asleep (though it eluded me) and adrenaline running rampant in me. Lol

  Kramer was my favorite, George and Elaine following closely behind, and I feel like him, just barreling through a door...with myself and others going WTF?! (insert video clip…lol)

  Part of me was going to suggest Laredo’s because it’s one of my favorites, but given the circumstances�
�.well who knows who we’d run into.

  My brain is screaming at me ‘this shit only happens in books!’ or ‘I’ve seen this movie’ lol

  I’d log on every couple months to KinkyFodder and wonder when and if you’d ever respond back. And, well, being what/who I am, I wasn’t about to pursue you figuring it’d happen when and if it was supposed to. I am struck by the odds, too, and filled with relief at the thought of someone being so close who might get me. I can’t help but wonder if we have mutual friends and acquaintances.

  And, are you insinuating that you want my phone number to send me inappropriate texts? Ask and you shall receive. I found a great meme yesterday that’ll make sense here if I could find it again. Something about ‘I want to be the reason you turn your phone away from prying eyes’… I serve as the President on the PTA, of course, maybe you already know that? Though I don’t know what I was thinking. I can’t deal with the Desperate Stepford Housewives. Somedays I feel like I’m going mad.

  Thinking about me all jittery…lol (Smiling) Someone likes the idea of me squirming. Mission accomplished.

  So. I think you know where I stand based on my first response. I’ll wait to hear from you.

  Enjoy your family and kids this weekend.

  I sighed. It was done. He knew how I felt and there wasn’t much more I could do but wait to see if he responded. I just shook my head. This was crazy. Abso-fucking-lutely crazy. How was this even possible? My picture on KinkyFodder didn’t reveal my identity, but the one I’d sent him a few days ago had. Was this a scam? No. There was just no way. My crazy brain started throwing around words like fate, kismet, serendipity...