Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) Page 3

  Frank nodded his head and suddenly Jane and I were the only ones left inside. I sat there thinking about all the horrible things that could’ve happened to James and I had been none the wiser. What if he’d called me, looking for a lifeline, or a cry for help? I’d spent my days mourning the loss of a child I’d never get to know and a marriage that seemed forever lost. No matter how hard I tried to make myself hate him, I couldn’t do it. A few minutes later, the door opened and everyone came walking back in, Annie included.

  “Hey, Cassidy.”

  “Hey.”

  Everyone stared at her as if they knew she’d have the information we sought. “James, is fine. He needed some time away. I assure you he’s ok.”

  My fear turned into joy, knowing he was ok, and then it boiled into anger. I tried taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. I began shaking and stood before walking toward the door.

  “Cassidy?”

  “WHAT?” Annie looked a little taken aback at my tone. “What do you want me to say? All this fuss and commotion, when all the while he’s fine and YOU knew he was fine. I thought he was dead when I walked in here and found out no one’s heard a word from him for a week. I’m his WIFE, at least legally. What the fuck is wrong with you people?” Glaring at Smith, “You expect me to believe you didn’t know where he was when she does?”

  “Cassidy, I swear.”

  “You can all rot in hell.” Cal’s eyes were the last I saw as I walked out the door. There was no judgment there. He was mad, too. I could tell. For once I may have spoken before he had the chance to. As I made it to my car, I felt a hand on my arm. Whipping around, I came face to face with Paul. “Don’t!”

  “Cassidy, I’m really sorry. I can’t begin to understand…”

  “No, you can’t. Please. Leave me alone. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret. I’m angry and I need some time.”

  “Ok. Just let me know when you get home safe.”

  I scoffed. “Please. With my twenty-four hour tail, I’ll be fine.” I pointed at Ryan, who was parked on the street. “This shit is getting old.” I climbed in the car and drove home.

  It took me hours to get to sleep that night. Horrifying scenarios ran rampant through my head of the terrible things that could’ve happened to James. That didn’t include the things that came to mind of James and infidelity. How did I know he wasn’t drowning his sorrows in some sex at the club? Maybe we were both better off. God, I just wanted all the hurt to stop.

  Chapter 3 ~ Lost

  ~ JAMES ~

  I was headed to the townhouse and hoped she’d see me. We were going to have a baby together and I wanted to do anything and everything I could to get us back. Dr. Pratt had been more than obliging over the last week and helped me more than he knew. I had yet to turn on my cell phone or check my email, knowing I’d find a barrage of inquiries to my lack of presence over the last two weeks. Cassidy was my number one priority and I wasn’t going to let anything distract me from that.

  I was parked outside when her car pulled in the drive. She was home early. The license plate put a smile on my face as I watched her walk to the door. She seemed lost in thought as she closed the front door behind her. I climbed out of the truck and made my way up the steps.

  Knocking on the door, I waited for her to answer. When she opened the door, she stared at me like I was a ghost. “Can I come in?”

  She just nodded as I stepped through the doorway. I couldn’t help it as my eyes drifted to her still flat belly. I wondered when she’d start showing. I knew that the books I’d read said it was a little different for everyone.

  The emotions were written all over her face. She avoided my eyes as I watched her own become glassy. “Cassidy?”

  “No. Please.” Stepping closer, my knuckles grazed her cheek as a small tremor ran through her. “I’m angry with you. No, infuriated.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.” Before I expected it, she wrapped her arms around my torso and buried her face in my chest.

  “I thought you were dead. Where have you been?”

  “I was getting my head put back on straight.” Rubbing my hands on her back, I buried my nose in her hair. “I wasn’t prepared for the news that I was going to be a father. We have to stop hurting each other just because we can.”

  She pulled back and stared at me like I’d grown a second head. “James, the baby…”

  “I know. We have a lot to talk about. Please hear me out.”

  She shook my arms off her, “No, you don’t understand.” I looked at her confused. “Have you talked to anyone since you left?”

  “No. What’s going on? I came straight here, to you.”

  “James, I lost the baby.” The tears rolled down her cheeks and I felt the color drain from my face.

  “I don’t, but, what do you mean?”

  She turned from me and headed toward the couch. “I miscarried a couple days after you left. There’s nothing anyone could’ve done.” I watched her curl up on the couch and place her head in her hands.

  I stood there and watched her as she sat, silent, for far too long. I couldn’t process any reasonable thoughts. What did I say, what did I do to make this better for her? I couldn’t fathom her pain. Pain? Had it hurt? Jesus, I wanted to be sick.

  “There’s no baby. You’re free now. It’s ok.”

  “What? No. That’s not what I want. I want you. I want the baby.” I knelt down in front of her, still in denial. “I want us and our little family.”

  Her breath hitched as she traced my scar, “But there is no little family. It wasn’t meant to be. You can go.”

  “This is my fault.”

  “We’re both to blame, James. I forgive you. I just need to figure out how to forgive myself. The doctors said I should still be able to have kids, this one just wasn’t meant to be.”

  No. I wanted our baby. My hands circled her hips as I laid my head in her lap. My baby, our baby, was gone. In the blink of an eye. And I’d left her, to suffer through it alone.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here with you. I wanted to be.” Her hands began stroking through my hair. God, I’d missed her touch. “I’m sorry you went through it alone. That was never my intention.”

  “I wasn’t alone. Not really.”

  My head snapped up at that. What did she mean? Had Jane been with her? “Jane?” She just shook her head. “Cal?”

  A tear slid down her cheek. “No, he didn’t even know about the baby until it was too late.” I pulled away from her. There was only one other person. We both knew that. “James. I was alone and he was the only other person who knew. He stayed with me. Night and day.”

  Her words were just making it worse. Innocent or not. She was just validating everything I was paranoid about. Paul was the one who was there when she needed me. ME. I was a coward and had run.

  She tried reaching for me. Breathe James, just breathe. “No! No, it wasn’t meant to be. You’re right.”

  “James?”

  “I’m sorry. This never should’ve happened.” She took my words the wrong way and I saw the wall go up, again.

  “Please go.”

  “Cassidy…”

  “GO! Maybe Annie can help you, since she seems to be the only one you choose to confide in. You’re too late. It’s too late.” I stood up slowly and paced the small space. “You’re always too late.”

  The dagger was already in me, her words just twisted it. She was right. I was too late. I walked out as the rain clouds began to pour down on me. Always too late.

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  He walked back out the door. I didn’t cry and actually thought I might have emptied my reserves, the well run dry. For the first time in years I wanted my mom, no matter what she’d done or said to me. I just wanted to confide in her, woman to woman. My grandmother would’ve been a great alternative, but she was gone too. My phone rang and it was Jane.

  Jane convinced me I should go with her and Cal to her family’s cottage, up north. I didn’t want to in
trude on their alone time, but Jane had insisted I wouldn’t be intruding. The wedding was just over a month away and we could use some time to enjoy ourselves. Unable to deny that I could use some time away, I conceded to going. She said that they’d swing by and pick me up before dinner time.

  Not sure what to pack, I threw a little bit of everything in my bag. I needed to be somewhere that didn’t remind me of him and that was the main reason I had agreed to go. My heart was scattered, in a million jagged pieces, on the floor of my soul. Paul and James had each staked their claim to bits and pieces of it. The whole thing was made worse by the fact that James and Paul were friends, and Paul was still working for James.

  Maybe a weekend away was exactly what I needed to figure out what, if either of them, was what I wanted. Who was I kidding? I knew who I wanted, but did he want me? I was beginning to doubt it. My head was beyond fucked up and I didn’t care anymore.

  Pulled from my thoughts, I heard the horn from my brother’s truck, grabbed my bag and headed for the door. Opening the passenger side back door, I slid my bag on the floor and climbed up.

  “Hey gorgeous.”

  My heart stopped and I looked over to see Paul occupying the spot behind Cal. Fuck. I looked to Cal who was oblivious and then to Jane who shrugged her shoulders and pointed at Cal. Being in Paul’s presence all weekend wasn’t going to help me with my issues.

  “Hey, I didn’t know you were coming.”

  “Cal invited me. Hope that’s ok?”

  “Of course.” I lied through my teeth, buckled in and geared up for the three hour drive.

  When I woke, I was in Paul’s lap. Not sure how I ended up there, I pushed myself up and moved to my side of the seat.

  “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s all good.”

  We pulled up a long driveway shortly after. Eventually we came to a clearing and before us was a huge log home, not a cottage. There were lights on and I recognized one of the vehicles as Smith’s. My stomach immediately sank. What the hell? I felt like banging my head on the wall. Odds were if Smith was there, James might show. Of course, I had no idea given he’d disappeared for two weeks. Maybe he’d disappear again. It was going to be a really fucking awkward weekend, regardless.

  As we were unloading, Jane walked over. “I’m really sorry, Cassidy. I really did think it would be just the three of us.”

  “Story of my life. I’ll survive.” Lord help me. “He’s back.”

  She looked to me, surprised. “James?”

  “Yes. He came over before you called.”

  “Oh, Cassidy. Are you ok? Did you tell him?”

  “I’m not sure I know what ok is anymore. He knows.”

  “And?”

  I just shrugged my shoulders. “I’m not sure. I think he thinks I want Paul and I think he wants out.”

  “Cassidy, I don’t know what to say? I can talk to him.”

  “It’s ok. Let’s just get through this weekend first.”

  Walking in the front door, after climbing up the porch, you could hear music playing. As I took in the grandeur of the place I knew it was the biggest log cabin I’d ever been in or seen.

  Jane announced, “Ok. There are plenty of bedrooms, so, take your pick.” Jane led Cal up the stairs and Paul and I followed suit. She went on explaining that her parent’s, along with James’, built the house together almost twenty years ago and had updated it a few years back. Almost every bedroom had its own bathroom and some were ‘jack n jill’ style.

  Jane pulled Cal into a room close to the staircase and they shut the door giggling. I rolled my eyes and made my way along the open banister. Down below I saw Smith and Delaney playing pool. Delaney waved to me and I waved back. Where was James? Maybe he hadn’t come.

  I strolled past five or six more doors before picking the door at the end of the hall. I wanted nothing more than to be as far away from the couples as possible. Looking behind me, I saw Paul go into a bedroom a few doors back. Hopefully the room I picked was unoccupied and I liked that it was seemingly away from the bustle of the rest of the house.

  I walked in and found a rustic looking bedroom. It was large and had a door that went into a bathroom. Placing my bag on the bed, I then walked to the bathroom. It was huge, with a giant cast iron tub in the middle of the room. There was a large shower in the corner, with no door or curtain. There were a few more doors and curiosity got the better of me. One was a linen closet, one led to a balcony overlooking the back of the house, and the other was a small sauna. I was in heaven. There were controls on the wall for different lights and heaters. Even the tiled floor was heated.

  I was ecstatic that I had discovered that room and that it wasn’t already occupied. Finder’s keepers. I was fully prepared to give myself a mini spa weekend. After changing into some sweat pants, I headed back downstairs. Everyone was in a large media room. There was a dart board, pool table, a large poker table, large screen TV on the wall, couches, chairs, and a bar with six barstools. Delaney was pouring herself a margarita and I went and got myself a glass.

  “How you doing?”

  “I’m fine, Delaney. How are you?”

  “Good. Glad to see you guys up here. We thought we’d be alone, but the more the merrier.”

  I wanted to ask her if James was coming, but couldn’t get myself to do it. Hell, I didn’t even know if anyone knew he was back and I wasn’t sure if I should be the one to tell them. I took a swig of my drink and immediately sucked in my cheeks. It was strong, but delicious. Since I wasn’t going anywhere, I indulged, and it wasn’t long before I was refilling my glass. A few drinks later I was feeling pretty good and didn’t care about the predicament I was in any longer.

  “What do you say?” I looked into his blue eyes as he smiled brightly at me. “Up for some darts?”

  “Why not!” I raised myself off the couch and became dizzy for a split second. Paul steadied me and once the blood got back to my head I was ok.

  “How many have you had?”

  “Don’t start with me.” I smiled, “I’m fine.”

  After a game of darts, I wasn’t in the mood to play anymore. It was then that someone came in the front door. Nobody else seemed to hear it but me. The dread filled me. I knew who it had to be. His figure came into view and our eyes immediately locked.

  “James! You’re back!” Smith walked over and handed him a beer and then hugged him. “Glad to see you got my text!”

  Cal was giving him the evil eye and Paul just nodded at him as Jane and Delaney chastised him for disappearing for so long.

  He pulled his gaze from mine and looked to Paul, before acknowledging Smith. He took the beer and drank it down. “I see the whole gang is here.”

  The tone James used wasn’t lost on me. He and Paul had managed to make the work relationship work, as far as I knew, which I was grateful for. Nothing had even happened between Paul and me, but Paul had made it known that he was interested and waiting for me. I didn’t even know if James and I were together or not. I mean, I knew we weren’t together and the divorce papers were being drawn up. We’d created a life and now that life was gone.

  A solitary tear slid down my cheek and I wiped it away before anyone saw. When I looked back up I realized that James had seen. For a second I thought he was going to come over to me, but he didn’t. I decided that alcohol was the only thing that would get me through the night and refilled my glass.

  “Who’s up for a game?” Jane was doing everything she could to lighten the mood.

  Delaney chimed in, “How about ‘Never Have I Ever’?”

  Jane, Paul, and Smith were immediately on board. I agreed, too. With some minor persuasion from Smith and Delaney, James joined in. Cal decided to stay sober and keep score—more like he was keeping an eye on Paul and James. Smith and James flipped over the poker table to reveal a hard top. Delaney set down glasses and various liquor bottles as we began to take our seats. I sat down at the end of the table; Paul took the seat to my left with Jan
e next to him. Delaney took the seat to my right, with Smith next to her, putting James across from me.

  He still hadn’t officially said two words to me. His hair was pulled back and his expression was fierce. “Never Have I Ever kissed a girl.” Everyone looked to Jane, laughing. “What?”

  “Starting a little strong aren’t you?” Smith was questioning her while smiling and Jane just shrugged her shoulders.

  Everyone took a drink as Jane looked to Delaney and me and teased, proclaiming us “Hookers!”

  “Jealous? I’ll kiss you Jane, if he doesn’t mind.” Delaney pointed to Cal as he threw his hands up in the air.

  “Don’t let me stop you, Jane!” Cal was laughing and Jane was blushing.

  “I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chap stick.” The lyrics came flowing out of my mouth before I realized I’d sung them, recalling the kisses I’d exchanged with Roxy, or was it Misty? James was glaring at me and Cal, well, I couldn’t look at him. Trying to cover for myself, I rolled my eyes and blurted, “The song!” I got up and plugged in my phone, since my iPod had mysteriously disappeared, and put on I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry.

  “Paul, you’re next.” Jane ignored the building tension and elbowed Paul.

  “Never Have I Ever gone to Prom.”

  James and I were the only ones who didn’t take a drink. It surprised me that he hadn’t gone to Prom. It was my turn. I didn’t have any idea what to say and began to panic. Remembering something James said about Delaney, I blurted out, “Never Have I Ever role played in the bedroom.”

  Delaney, Smith, James, and Paul all slammed back their shots. “I beg to differ.” His words caught me off guard as I looked in his green eyes. His glare was icy and locked on mine. What did he mean? Before I could think about it longer, Delaney made her statement.

  “Never Have I Ever…this is hard,” she looked to everyone, “had sex in an airplane.” Nobody moved. Just as Delaney was about to pick up her glass, James picked up his. “Ha. I knew it!” Who the hell did he have sex on an airplane with? I was beginning to think the game was a bad idea.