Letting Go Read online

  “Shit! Sorry about that!” I said it before I even bothered looking up. Whoever this guy was, he was tall and built. My eyes were level with his throat.

  “You should watch where you’re going, Blackbird.” That deep resonating voice, with a slight hint of gravel teased my ears and his sweet breath feathered down my face. I inhaled deeply before looking up, breathless. It was James with that smile on his face. I’m clay, please mold me.

  My heart started thrumming a million miles a minute. My skin felt on fire where his hands were. His beard was a little thicker than it was six weeks ago, but not overgrown at all. He smelled delicious; I just wanted to bury my face in his neck and take a big whiff.

  “Are you alright?” Now he looked concerned at my lack of speaking.

  “You smell divine!” I can’t believe I just said that. I briefly rested my forehead on his shoulder, humiliated. What the hell is wrong with me? I quickly raised my head, remembering I don’t know this guy. I mean, we’d been eye-fucking each other for weeks, said ‘hi’ a few times, but I didn’t know him. “Yes, I’m fine, thank you.” I gently pushed my hands against his chest as I tried to regain my composure.

  He chuckled and for the first time, I noticed that he has a scar above his left eye that slashes through his eyebrow. I love his eyes; the vibrant green sucked me in every time. He slowly removed his hand from my back while the other remained on my upper arm. The loss of his hand on my back was almost unbearable like someone detached a piece of me.

  “So, you and Dan, is it serious?” He was shameless—and maybe interested?!

  The question caught me a little off guard. I responded with, “I d-don’t know? You have a better offer?” My stomach was fluttering so viciously and I couldn’t believe how brazen I was being.

  He removed his lingering hand from my upper arm and smirked. He took my right hand in his and caressed my tattoo. That electricity was there again, zapping our hands and sending shivers up my arm and down my spine, “Maybe I do. Cassidy, in all seriousness there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”

  I grinned uncontrollably when I said, “Oh yeah, what’s that?” He stilled, continued to hold my hand in his and now looked somber. Maybe he was serious.

  He took a deep breath and then let out a loud sigh. God, he looked nervous. Suddenly, all that could be heard was the POP, POP, POP of a gun followed by screams.

  Chapter Two – Salvage…

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  Everything instantly became a blur. After several moments, I was aware of James covering me as we hunched on the floor. One hand held my face to his chest and the other circled around my back. His masculine, clean scent assaulted my nostrils while my hands covered my ears. When I removed them I realized it was eerily quiet except the music blaring from above. The next few seconds felt like hours.

  “Are you ok?” He ran his hands over my body out of concern. He returned his hands to my face, seeking acknowledgment in my eyes that I was ok.

  “Yes, yes I’m ok.” We started looking around trying to gauge where the gunfire had come from.

  At the same time the back door opened and the drummer, Mike, came running in. He was screaming for someone to call an ambulance. James looked at me, startled, and pulled his cell out of his pocket and started dialing. Mike’s face was white, an utter contrast to the red that covered his hands. As realization hit me, I pushed away from the man protecting me and ran toward Mike.

  James was right behind me yelling into his cell. “Yes, the Blue Horse on 7th street! Shots fired! Yes, people are hit! NO, I don’t know how many!”

  Mike was in shock when I reached him, barely coherent. He mentioned that he was on his way inside when he heard the shots. He confirmed my fears when he said that Dan, Sam and Holly were all hit. I ran past him and made my way out the back door.

  I froze in my tracks; everything seemed to move in slow motion as I took in the chaos surrounding me. Dan was lying in the street and Holly and Sam were on the sidewalk. Sam was the only one moving, doing an army crawl over to Holly and leaving a trail of blood in his wake. Several bystanders made their way around the building and were shaking their heads in disbelief.

  I sensed a hand on my shoulder right before I made my move toward Holly and it fell away. I was holding Holly’s head in my lap willing her to wake up when the police and ambulances arrived. Suddenly there was an arm around my waist, pulling me away from Sam, Holly and Dan as the paramedics got to work. I started batting at the unwanted arm around my waist, realizing immediately my attempt to get free was futile. I turned into my captor’s chest and realized it was James.

  

  Several hours later, Calvin walked me up the steps to his townhouse, dragging my suitcase behind him. Having a cop for a big brother is a blessing and a curse. I was feeling broken and humiliated all at the same time. How did I get into this mess? How did I end up in the back lot of a bar covered in blood? I started recounting every moment I spent with Dan and Holly both. Calvin interrupted my thoughts.

  “You can take my room. I’ll take the couch.” I knew better than to disagree with him. We already had a brief argument, that I clearly had no energy for, about me staying at his place. He walked me to the bathroom and turned on the shower. “You got it from here?” His hand was rubbing my upper arm out of concern.

  “James,” I whisper.

  “Who?”

  “Calvin, where’s the guy from the bar that was with me? He brought me to the hospital.”

  “Cass, when I got to the hospital, I found you huddled in a corner all alone. What guy?” He stared down at me with a puzzled look on his face, clearly thinking I had lost it. He’s not very attractive with his face all screwed up in concern.

  Holly always raved about his preppy good looks. Cal was six foot two, with dirty blonde hair, very clean cut, tan and probably not an ounce of fat on him. He worked out religiously. The only feature we shared was Dad’s blue eyes.

  “Never mind, it’s not important. I got it from here.” My voice was barely above a whisper. He left me all alone? Calvin gave me another hug, kissed the top of my head and left me to tend to my shower.

  I looked in the mirror and barely recognized the broken woman staring back at me. My face tear stained, streaked with mascara and a couple drops of blood on my cheek. My clothes were ruined so I tossed them in the waste basket and then I noticed my hands were stained with blood, which caused me to start shaking again.

  Several minutes later I was still sitting on the floor of the tub, willing the water to wash that night away. I checked my hands again to make sure every drop of blood was gone. I stared at the blackbird on my wrist and couldn’t help but think of James. I didn’t understand where he went. I reached to crank the hot water up realizing the cold dial was almost off entirely. I don’t normally like HOT showers, but that night, I just couldn’t get it hot enough. There was a knock on the door.

  “Cass, I have some clothes for you. Is it safe to come in?”

  Is it safe? I didn’t know if I’d ever feel safe again. “Yes, Cal. Just put them on the sink. Thanks.”

  The door creaked open. “I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” I grunted my approval and the door closed again.

  I’m not sure how Cal got me back to his place in one piece. I don’t remember him finding me huddled in a corner at the hospital, just him carrying me out. I do remember turning into my captor’s chest and realizing it was James. I broke apart in his arms; he left to get coffee and never returned. Cal and his partner Frank arrived shortly after and then I recall Cal lifting me and taking me to my apartment. Cal walked me in and helped me pack a bag; I was no help at all. I could barely form the words to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when he asked what to pack for me.

  After several more minutes in the shower the heat started to fade away. It was a lost cause; I had drained the water heater. I turned off the water, opened the curtain and began shivering the minute the cool air hit me. I grabbed the robe hanging
on the wall and pulled a spare towel from under the sink for my hair. Thank God Cal didn’t live like the bachelor cop that he was. He had all the necessities and he was tidy.

  I broke half a smile when I saw that Cal placed an old university tee and a pair of his sleep pants on the sink for me. I knew he packed pajamas from my place, but he knew me too well. I used to steal his sleep pants and shirts all the time in high school. It made him crazy, which is why I did it.

  I didn’t even bother running the comb through my hair before coming out of the bathroom. The only thing I wanted was sleep. I went straight to Cal’s room and crawled into bed. Hearing what sounds like reruns of Cops coming from the living room, I’m not surprised. Cal’s been a cop for a few years. He’s ex-army, has a degree in Criminal Justice, but decided to be a cop. His plan was to be part of the undercover narcotics squad. In an effort to earn his place on the squad, he was currently pulling double duty and working midnights. Listening to him tip-toe around the house while I laid in bed was a welcome distraction.

  I looked at the clock to see it was close to five in the morning. The rays of dawn were nowhere in sight through Cal’s blacked out windows. I closed my eyes, but even with them closed, all I saw were the ambulance lights whirling round and round and Holly and Dan. Holly and Dan. I never got to thank James. Eventually I fell asleep with my tears saturating the pillow as I listened to the drone of the TV.

  The days and weeks that followed the shooting were some of the darkest days of my life. Calvin was taken off the case because of his personal connection, but that didn’t stop him from nosing around. He came home a couple days after the shooting to let me know that they had made an arrest, finally.

  “They arrested the son of a bitch owner; they found drugs stashed in his office. He was in lock-up when I left today. They think it might’ve been some retaliation thing with his dealer. We got him, Cassidy.” I gazed at him over my cup of coffee, complete and utter shock evident in my expression.

  “The owner!?” I felt sick to my stomach and my throat began constricting. James—the hunk I was eye-fucking for weeks on end, who’s also the owner—is a druggie? A dealer? Oh God. My taste in men was atrocious. Of course he would be bad news; I was attracted to him. Why did I have an affinity for guys that are no good?

  “He’s some privileged rich boy from the upper west side.” He stopped talking after seeing the distress in my eyes. “Don’t worry, Cassidy. We’ll get him to talk and we’ll find out who did this.”

  

  A few days later, Calvin came home on a tear. He was cursing as he stormed in. “The fucking charges have been dropped. His lawyer got the charges thrown out. It’s complete bullshit.”

  I knew without question to what and to whom he was referring. The tears welled up in my eyes. “Cal, I can’t do this. Holly is gone and I can’t change it. I know it’s your job to find out who did this, but I can’t hear about it. It’s just too much.”

  “Shit, Cass. I’m sorry.” He walked over to me and pulled me to his chest. “I’m an idiot. I won’t bring it up again.” I nodded into his chest.

  

  End of October

  It was a Friday and life was back to ‘normal’. Of course, normal now had a whole new meaning. Monotony had become my middle name; all work and no play. My life revolved around my job. My favorite time of year was in full throttle. I had the masquerade ball that night and the Children’s Hospital auction was the following Friday night, a week from today. Dad’s wedding was about a month away and then we had the holidays coming up. I was wholly dedicated to my job and my hard work had paid off. I was several months in to my third promotion in as many years at B & C.

  I was running around my apartment like a chicken with my head cut off. Moving before the masquerade and the auction was a huge mistake, but I couldn’t pass up the place. I owed my client, Mrs. Whitford, a million thanks; I was indebted to her.

  B & C planned Mrs. Whitford’s masquerade every year and I was given the lead this year, at her insistence. She sang my praises to my boss, Cecily, more than once and had insisted she’d only work with me from that point forward. She also knew I wanted to get out on my own after I mentioned that I was apartment hunting. While I loved the time with Cal, it was time for me to spread my wings again. And living with my brother would kill any chance of me having a love life, if I ever tried to have one again.

  The Whitford's owned several properties, so she said, and insured me she had just the place for me. After a few tours of the place, along with some input from Dad and Cal, I took the leap. It was all just too good to pass up considering the price, location and amenities.

  The townhouse was an end unit similar to Cal’s, but bigger, and it was in a safer part of the city. I had two bedrooms, two and a half baths, an office and three parking spaces including the attached garage! They recently had it completely gutted and remodeled. I had hardly unpacked a single thing in the previous two weeks because I was so busy at work. The only things I had put away were most of my clothes and a few kitchen essentials.

  Dad and Cal brought boxes upon boxes from my storage unit and from home. I couldn’t wait to really dig in and start settling the place. Chessa, on the other hand, loved all the boxes and new hiding spaces. She jumped off one box and into another scaring the crap out of me. I splashed my coffee and cursed the three month old tortoise hair kitten. She was a house warming gift from Cal and Dad.

  “Where did I set my blasted wall charger, Chessa?” Having my wall charger for my laptop and phone were imperative if I was going to make it through that day. I eventually found it in a box with my dishes. Seriously, Cassidy, with the dishes?

  I looked at the clock on the microwave. “Shit, shit, shit!” It was already a quarter to nine. I told Lena to be at The Benedict Hotel no later than nine and here I was, her boss, running late. It would take me fifteen minutes just to get downtown, if I was lucky. I had a quick meeting with J.J. Benedict to finalize a few things for the masquerade and the auction next week. All eyes were on me.

  Last year, Cecily and I did that event together and the year before that I was her personal assistant. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. The auction was the one I should’ve been worried about. Cassidy Charles, you got this! I texted my PA, Lena, to let her know I was on my way and to stall Cecily if she decided to show her face for the meeting. Cecily liked to show up to client meetings with no warning. Lena responded with a wink, symbolizing that we were in the clear. Love that girl!

  I grabbed my laptop bag, my purse, a garment bag holding my dress and my overnight bag. “Good Lord, what am I forgetting?” Keys and phone were in my jacket pocket, Chessa had been fed. “Well, it’s too late now. Wish me luck Chessa.” She responded with a purr and dove back onto the pile of boxes consuming my living room.

  

  I made it downtown in record time, listening to news radio. I made a mental note to find my iPod that weekend. I pulled into valet and Andy greeted me with a smile. He helped me out of my car while a bellboy rushed over to help with my bags.

  “Miss Charles is with B & C; she’s in charge of the masquerade tonight and the auction next week.” The bellboy acknowledged Andy, the head valet, before he drove off with my car. Andy was a good kid and had been extremely helpful over the previous few weeks. I insisted to the bellboy that I would carry my laptop and purse; I couldn’t afford to have them out of my sight.

  I rushed inside and hurried over to the desk to get my key. Mrs. Whitford had graciously provided me with a room for the night. I thanked the desk clerk, Sabrina, and turned away from the desk with my purse and laptop bag in hand. Lena was there with a smile on her face and she had a coffee in each hand.

  “Dammit, I forgot my coffee at home. You’re a life saver, Lena!” I took a swig of my peppermint mocha cappuccino as we headed toward the elevator.

  Lena responded with her usual, “No problem, boss!”

  “What floor, Miss Charles?” The bellboy had been patiently waiting fo
r me to finish my business at the desk.

  I looked at the envelope holding my key card, “Looks like the twelfth floor, room 1204.”

  “Right away, ma’am.” I inwardly cringed at his use of ma’am and Lena and I shared a chuckle. I am not a ma’am, not yet! He pushed several buttons, more than normal, on the panel before the elevator began its climb.

  Lena and I started hammering out texts as the elevator made its ascent. No Cecily yet. As the elevator door opened I rushed out without looking where I was going, as usual, and walked right into a buff business suit. Klutzy Cassidy at her best. I really am a walking calamity. My cell and purse dropped to the floor with my purse contents scattering back on the elevator floor. I managed to save the business suit from my cappuccino.

  “Dammit. I’m so sorry, sir.” I dropped down and I saw large, tanned hands helping me pick up the contents of my purse. I was absolutely mortified as my birth control pills were handed back to me along with some gloss and other miscellaneous items. Cheese and rice, Cassidy!

  “No worries, you should watch where you’re going, Cassidy.” That deep voice stirred my insides, but I couldn’t even look at him because I was so embarrassed. I was certain I was probably as red as my cranberry blouse.

  “I’m fine, again, I’m so sorry. Thank you for your help.” I gathered my items and rushed into the hall without even looking to see who it was I collided with and ran down the hall. Wait, he said my name. Oh God, he must have thought I’m the rudest person. I turned to see who it was but I was too far away and he was safely inside the elevator. Lena was staring into the elevator, gawking. What did I miss?

  The bellboy hurried out, stuffing something in his pocket and stuttering, “S-Sir, absolutely sir, will d-do, sir.”

  Lena pranced over to me with a huge grin on her face. She asked me, “Don’t you know who that was? He’s a dream.” She was over the moon.