Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) Read online

  “Why aren’t you in bed?”

  “Everything hurts and I’m stuck.” I turned to show him that I had one arm in and one out of my shirt and I hadn’t even attempted to remove my jeans. I looked to him and he was trying to contain his laughter. “Don’t you laugh at me! You’ll be lucky if you don’t get sick, too.”

  “Is this what you want to wear?” He held up a shirt, not sure if he knew it was his, and a pair of pajama pants. I just nodded. “Alright. Let’s get you changed.”

  “I, no, I can’t.”

  “Cassidy, I’ve seen it all before.”

  “It’s not that.”

  “Then what is it?” I sat there, staring at him as another wave of nausea hit me and I closed my eyes. “Come on.”

  His hands were tender as he removed all my clothes, everything but my underwear. I was shaking as he pulled the shirt over my head and down my body. Stepping into my pajama pants, his hands lingered on my waist a little longer than necessary, or I imagined it. Pulling back the covers, he had me lay down.

  “I’m going to go get you some broth and medicine. I’ll be right back.”

  I watched as he left the room. My body began shaking terribly. I was so cold. How I wished at that moment that I had an electric blanket. I must’ve dozed off because I woke to him saying my name.

  “Here, take this.” I swallowed the vile liquid and dropped my head back to the pillow. “I have some warm broth here if you want it.” I took a few sips before setting it back down. “Do you need anything else?”

  I was still freezing and broke down and asked, “I’m sorry, I know it’s awkward and I wouldn’t normally ask…”

  “What is it Cassidy?”

  “I’m freezing. Can you find some blankets or…”

  “Or what?”

  “Hold me, just until I warm up?”

  He didn’t say anything, just nodded, turned off the light and started undressing. The room was cast in darkness as I listened to him disrobe. I heard his shoes hit the floor, followed by the buckle of his belt. I felt his weight on what had been his side of the bed as he climbed under the covers and moved closer.

  “Front or back?”

  I knew exactly what he was asking. My front to his front or my back to his front. He asked it most nights when we were in bed, when we were still together. “Back.” I rolled to my side as he moved in closer. I could already feel the heat of him surround me. He was a damn furnace.

  “You’re still shaking.” He wrapped his arms around me and tucked me back against him. The only thing that separated us were the damn separation papers and my pajamas. “Dammit.” His hand grazed my hip as he adjusted himself.

  “Can’t you keep him under control?” I snickered, but couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was back in my James cocoon and felt myself drifting off as the chills finally started to calm.

  “Not around you. You should know that by now.” His words were quiet as he wrapped his arm back around me.

  Chapter 9 ~ Illuminated

  ~ JAMES ~

  She was shaking from head to toe as I pulled her close. My cock reacted to her closeness immediately. She was lucky she was dressed, though helping her change her clothes just about did me in. I had to pry my hands off of her hips before I took advantage of her. When she asked me to hold her, I knew what she needed before she had asked. I just wanted to hear her say the words.

  I hated seeing her like that. She was sick and hurting and if I could help in any way I was going to. Her shaking slowly subsided as her breathing slowed and evened out. She was asleep and I soon followed.

  When I woke, we were still on our sides, but she was facing me. Her face was so close to mine that it was torture. The moonlight was shining into the room and illuminated her face. She was so beautiful and I was a fucking idiot. I leaned in and ran my nose up hers and kissed her forehead. She started to stir and I panicked. Closing my eyes, I feigned sleep, just as her eyes were beginning to open.

  She inhaled sharply and I felt her pull away slightly as her body stiffened under my arm that was still wrapped around her. A moment later she relaxed and moved her hand to my chest. Soon I felt her fingertips barely touch my face as they trailed down the scar of my left eye and then over my cheek.

  “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.” I debated about waking and begging for forgiveness, knowing I had hurt her too. “Now, now even if you wanted to, you probably wouldn’t take me back. I missed you, miss you still, so much.”

  Why did she think I wouldn’t take her back? Before I could ponder it further she continued talking. I should have stopped her, but didn’t. I wanted to know her secrets more than I wanted anything in the world, except maybe her.

  “I’ve hurt you, Paul, myself and for what?” She sighed. “My baby,” she stroked my chest, “our baby.” I heard her sniffle and wondered if she was crying as my own heart constricted. “God is punishing me.” I couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Cassidy, nobody is punishing you.” She jumped out of my arms as her eyes scanned my face.

  “How much did you hear?”

  I tried to pull her closer, “Enough. The miscarriage isn’t your fault.” I pulled her back into my arms as she cried.

  “I wanted our baby, so much.”

  Her words opened my own floodgates as I felt the tears fall from my eyes. “I wanted our baby, too. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I should’ve stayed and fought for you, for our baby. I’ll never forgive myself for that. Instead, I ran.”

  Her sobs continued as she croaked out, “It’s not your fault. The doctor said there was nothing that could’ve been done.”

  “See. You’re not to blame either.” I tilted her chin so that I could see her face. I wanted to kiss her desperately, but stopped myself. It wasn’t what either of us needed. She tucked herself in closer, her head under my chin, and I rubbed my hands over her back and through her hair. “There are so many things I wish I could change for you, for us.”

  “Me too.”

  Several minutes later I stroked her face. “Cassidy?”

  “Hmm.” She was dozing off again.

  “Nothing. Get some rest.”

  Groggily she inquired, “Where did you go?” I knew she was referring to the day I left her and Paul at the hospital. She had the right to know and I was planning on telling her. She started shaking again.

  Placing my hand on her head, her fever was back. “You’re burning up again. Hang on.” I got up and got her some more meds and took them to her. “Here.” She downed the meds and laid back down. “We have a lot to talk about. Right now you need rest.”

  She was already breathing softly when I crawled in next to her. I grabbed my shirt and threw it on real quick before settling in next to her. As she slept in my arms I recalled the conversation I’d had with Jane the previous evening.

  She had come over after Cal was called in to work and laid in to me about everything. She told me that they’d recently had dinner with Cassidy and that she was a wreck. She wouldn’t divulge any details about Paul, maybe because she didn’t have any. The words from Jane that hurt me the most were when she confided in me about her own miscarriage. I had no idea she’d been pregnant and what Derek had done to her.

  “I sat and talked to her for hours when she found out, James. She was scared and elated at the same time. She wanted that baby.” I just sat and listened as Jane disclosed more to me. “She’s put up a huge wall since the miscarriage. You need to break it down.”

  “I want to, Jane, but I don’t know if I can.”

  “Man up! She’s your wife and I know you love her. Prove it.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know. Just because you and I don’t like grand gestures, maybe Cassidy does!” I had plans for the Blue Horse but kept that to myself. “Go big or go home cousin! The only question is do you want to make it work with her?”

  “I do.”

  “Forever?”

  Smiling, “Of course. She’s it for me.�
��

  “Does she know that?”

  “Ok, ok. I get it. Christ.”

  She walked over and hugged me. “I should go. Call me if you need any ideas or help!”

  “Will do.”

  “I love you, James.”

  “I love you too, meddling woman. You’re as bad as your mother.” She smacked my arm as we both laughed.

  “Just remember. Men like to feel wanted, women need to feel wanted.”

  “Get out!” I lovingly shoved her out the door as she smirked and walked down the hall.

  ~ PAUL ~

  I knew she’d asked for space, but I had to talk to her. I drove by her place and saw his vehicle parked in the drive. First I felt sadness, then anger and it was the anger that took over. The only thing stopping me from smashing in his windshield was the security detail parked out front. Had she been playing us both? No, that wasn’t like her. Was it? I knew she’d never intentionally hurt anyone.

  Of course, I knew better than most what a devious woman was capable of. I just didn’t want to believe that Cassidy was one of them. I drove around aimlessly before I ended up at the club. Sex, drugs and alcohol sounded good and were just the fix I needed. If a woman—or two—ended up under me, even better.

  ~ CASSIDY ~

  When I woke up, I felt significantly better. Though my throat ached and I wasn’t sure if it was from the crying or the sickness. He wasn’t next to me and when I looked to the clock, I saw that half the morning was gone. He’d probably left hours ago, declarations that we needed to talk long forgotten. Pulling myself from the bed, I headed to the bathroom and turned the shower on. I needed the heat and steam to cure my aching bones.

  I stood in the shower and went over the previous night’s events in my head. He’d taken care of me, confessed his emotions about the baby, but not about me. I didn’t know what to think or what to do. After several minutes with the hot water branding my body, I washed, shampooed and rinsed before getting out. Wrapping myself up in my robe, I walked into my bedroom to find a steaming cup of coffee on the dresser with a note.

  I’m downstairs and ready

  to talk when you are.

  ~James

  I was speechless and grew nervous. Trying not to think about it, I got dressed in sweats, dried my hair some and headed down with my coffee. He was sitting on the couch reading the paper. When he spotted me he folded it and set it down.

  “You look better, hopefully you feel better.”

  Shrugging my shoulders, I replied, “Yes. A little better.”

  “You should sit down. Are you hungry?”

  Hesitantly, I walked to the couch and sat down. “Not really. I’ll stick with coffee for now. Thank you.”

  “It’s no problem.”

  We sat there, in uncomfortable silence as I sipped my coffee. I broke the silence. “You said you wanted to talk.” He changed position and sat facing me, his back against the arm rest at the opposite end. Placing his hand on the back of the couch toward me, he smiled.

  “Yes. I think we need to.” I just smiled and nodded. “Guess I’ll just dive in. When I left that day, I went up to the cabin after calling Annie. She knew I wasn’t in a good place and called my therapist, Dr. Pratt.”

  “Ok.”

  “I drank away my sorrows for a couple days before Dr. Pratt showed up. He sobered me up and waited for me to open up.” He looked to me and I nodded for him to continue. “Dr. Pratt is who helped me when I finished my time in the service. I had, err have, wounds, mentally and physically that he helped me work through. I had PTSD pretty bad and he, Annie and Smith were the only ones who could get through to me.

  “Alcohol became a vice for me then and it’s still an issue if I let it be. Anyways. I was terrified to tell you all of that. You deserve someone better…”

  I cut him off, “James, I didn’t want someone better. I only wanted you. All of you.”

  He sighed, “I know that now. I’m sorry I didn’t have more faith in you.” His eyes dropped to his lap. “I was so blinded and angry that day at the hospital. When I doubted you and thought that Paul might be the father, I lost all sense and let you believe that I was screwing around.”

  My eyes dropped to stare into my coffee. I couldn’t look at him. Knowing he hadn’t cheated on me, at least not with Melissa. But, I had ultimately cheated on him. Even if we were separated.

  “I wasn’t, Cassidy. You’re the only person I’ve been with since I first saw you over a year ago.” He moved closer and put his hand on my knee. “Please look at me.” He took the coffee from my hands and set it on the coffee table before taking my hands in his. “Cassidy, you can talk to me.”

  I had to tell him, there was no point keeping it a secret. “I slept with Paul.” His hands still clung to mine as I choked out, “and Roxy and Misty. I’m so ashamed.” Pulling a hand free, I swiped it at my face.

  “When?”

  “I, um, I kissed Paul for the first time at the cabin. After you threw me away. We didn’t sleep together till last weekend. I was drunk and Misty and Roxy were there too.” I wanted to look at him, but didn’t want to see the disgust that would surely be plastered on his face. “Please say something. Anything.”

  “I know.”

  I tried prying my other hand free, “What, what do you mean you know?”

  “I know about Misty, Roxy and Paul. At the club, right?” My insides convulsed as realization hit me. Had he been there that night? “Annie had to stop me from interfering.” He released my hand as I buried my face. “Cassidy, I don’t care. I drove you away. Just tell me it’s over.”

  Over? That what was over? “I, you, you knew? Tell you what’s over? I’m so confused.”

  “Do you love him?”

  “What!” He didn’t seem angry, sad, in fact, there was no emotion on his face. “Paul?” He nodded. “James, it’s complicated.”

  He dropped his head. “When did you stop loving me?”

  Was he a fool? My heart broke at his question. “I never said I stopped loving you. Paul holds a piece of my heart and probably always will. But, you.” My voice barely above a whisper, “You own my heart. All of it.” He lifted his eyes to mine as a smile full of hope slowly spread across his lips. “How could you, why did you just throw me away? I don’t know if I can get past that.”

  “Please, let me try to fix it.”

  “James, we’ve both caused so much damage.” He moved in closer and placed his hands on my cheeks and looked into my eyes. Whispering, I admitted, “I want you in my life, need you. But I don’t know if I trust you to not hurt me again.” A tear rolled down as his thumb wiped it away.

  “I want you in mine, need you, too. Please. I’ll do anything to prove that I won’t hurt you again.” He dropped his forehead to mine and kissed the tip of my nose.

  My head became fuzzy. Having him so close to me was bound to make me so. “James…” I couldn’t stop it. My mouth was drawn to his like a magnet.

  He groaned as my lips pressed against his and his fingers moved into my hair. I gripped his biceps as our bodies immediately fell into sync. He hovered over me as I moved lower so that he could nestle his body on top of mine. The weight of his body on mine was euphoric, the one thing I’d missed more than anything.

  My hands reached around him as I pulled him closer. My fingernails found the skin of his lower back and dug in. Moving my knee up, he cradled his crotch against mine, causing me to gasp and press up into him. His hand moved under my shirt and found my naked breast. His hand moved to my sternum as he pulled his lips away from me. I opened my eyes and found him scanning my face.

  When his eyes found mine again, he smiled, “I can’t lose you, Blackbird.” He shifted his hips against mine as I closed my eyes at the sensation that ran through me. His hand moved higher and gently gripped my neck as he kissed me again. My lips were swollen and tender as his goatee tickled me.

  “James, wait. Please, stop.”

  Leaning up he questioned me, “What is it?�
��

  “It’s too fast. Please.”

  “Please what?” His hand moved back to my breast, he thought I was joking.

  “No! We have to stop.” My tone alerted him that I was serious. He got on his knees as I pulled myself up. “This has never been the issue with us. We can’t just hop back in bed together.”

  Running his hands through his hair, I could tell he was digesting my words. Nodding, “You’re right. I'm sorry.” He sat down and took a deep breath. “I said I’d do anything and I will. What do you want me to do?”

  “I, I don’t know.” I had an idea and started chewing on my nails because I didn’t think he’d like my idea.

  “You’re thinking. What is it?”

  “Umm, maybe Dr. Pratt could help?” He stared at me a moment before looking off into space. He stood and walked to the kitchen counter and picked up his phone. “Who are you calling?” He put his index finger in the air and I immediately quieted. Was he really calling Dr. Pratt?

  “Hi Dr. Pratt. Yes, I’m good. I, no, we, Cassidy and I were wondering if you’d be willing to see us. Yes, together. Ok. I understand.” He looked to me, “Um, can we come in tomorrow night?” I just nodded. “Yes, we can do that. Ok. We’ll see you then.” He put his phone back on the counter and leaned against it. “Tomorrow night.”

  “Ok. I, ok, wow.”

  “What is it?”

  “I just, I’m surprised. I didn’t think you’d be ok with my suggestion.”

  Smiling, he replied, “I agree that our chemistry isn’t the problem. We need to work on all the other things first.” I yawned. “You should take a nap and some more meds. You need to be better if we’re going to go see Dr. Pratt tomorrow.”

  “What about you?”

  “I have some things to work on.” I nodded. “Cassidy, I have to ask. Do you want me to stay here or at the hotel?”

  My heart skipped a beat. Of course I wanted him with me, but that wasn’t going to help us keep our pants on. “I, well, maybe we should see what Dr. Pratt suggests.”